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@quidcumque Thank you

@Pathfinder @actuallyautistic Maybe we are too used to question ourselves...?

How long have you known that you're autistic?

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic
That is definitely part of it. Both in terms of trying to find out why we are different, but also what it means and how we need to hide it.
I realised I am autistic almost 6 years ago, at the grand age of 53.

@Pathfinder @actuallyautistic

"How we need to hide it" - yes...

You said before that there wasn't anybody in your life who understood you. But are there at least people today who support/accept you?

I guess the journey of self-discovery will never be over. But I hope that I can reduce the masking to save more energy. Lately, everything had been far too exhausting.

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic
Most of the people I know irl have tended to keep seeing me in the same way, so in many respects no. Perhaps because my mask has always been a carefully edited and place specific version of myself. Hiding much that was really different about me, but not taking the effort to maintain that seems to be others experience and so perhaps more genuine. It means people don't really have to rethink me, even if they are prepared to.

@Pathfinder @actuallyautistic It's difficult for both sides: letting go of the mask and accepting a new version of a person.

How would you like to be seen?

"Carefully edited and place specific": that! I'm always struggling when these places mix because I have to find an in-between version.

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic
I'm old enough not to want people to necessarily see or understand me in any way really. What I do want is for them to start accepting that I am different. That when I'm complaining about a smell, or a noise, that for me it's real, even if it isn't for them. That if I say I can't, even if it's something that's easy for them, that for me it really means that and not don't want or too lazy to. It's something to fight for anyway.

@Pathfinder @actuallyautistic This sounds very healthy. I hope to arrive at that point too eventually.

@youronlyone @actuallyautistic
Yes, and sometimes unmasking doesn't seem safe.
How do people respond when you unmask?

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl

It depends. If it's something like hands, arm movements, or how I walk, they ask what's wrong or if I'm okay. ^_^;;

I guess, because they haven't seen me do it before.

In other areas, usually not noticed, and those who did probably attribute it to something else, or thought that many people are like that.

The ones I'm struggling with unmasking the most, are in areas that truly gets on my skin, like waiting in long lines, and too crowded.

People almost always say, “privileged”, “you're just making an excuse”, “we've been here earlier than you”, and all that. And this is where the dreaded, “you don't look like autistic” usually comes out in the open. If no one says it loud, I hear it whispered.

@actuallyautistic

@youronlyone @actuallyautistic Such situations must be hard. You're already stressed and people start insulting you.

When I was young and didn't know how to mask properly, people kept asking me if everything was alright, if I was angry or sad because of my flat face. Also I was frequently considered to be arrogant and cold. Masking comes always with a cost, but unmasking can also be difficult. Do you feel better overall despite those disadvantages that you described?

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl Yep, it is hard.

I'm not sure if I felt better or not. If I think about it in the sense that, there were no reactions, I guess that's a ‘yes’. Less stress, less explanations.

But, internally, it's a ‘no’. It's draining to mask, and it's not who I am.

Today, since after I decided to be open about it. It's a bit towards the ‘no’ because I am still conscious and guarding myself to possible reactions by the people around me. I think decades of masking caused things to be that way.

Internally, it's a ‘yes’ because I can be myself. Things that makes me comfortable, I just do it, not like before, I was constantly holding myself back.

With a neutral face, like yours, if I noticed them confused, before they even ask, I tell them first (or remind them) it just is, I'm not in distress nor cold. Before, I have to mask that, too because it's too stressful to explain they misunderstood.

The real problem is always those people who are closed-minded, no, narrow-minded. They still to what they know, what where passed down to them as family traditions. I'll try, but eventually, just leave and forget about them. I like the most are those people who are genuinely curious. They do want to learn and understand, and they treat you the same as they already do before they knew I am autistic.

@youronlyone So, all on all, I guess it's worth unmasking, as it tends to be less stressful.

I also appreciate when people are just curious. They are open-minded and supportive in general.

@Lemlems @Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic @Pathfinder
It is when we express our Selves however we do it.
For me, it all comes out on the dance floor 𓀤

@andytiedye @Lemlems @actuallyautistic @Pathfinder
Interesting! My way of dancing is really special and awkward. People don't want to be seen near me when I dance
But it's actually a good feeling. Haven't done it in a while. Maybe I should dance more (at home where I can choose the music, set the volume and don't have to meet other people).

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @Lemlems @actuallyautistic @Pathfinder Everyone feels that way at first.
That's why dance floors are so dark. People can't really see you very well unless you want to be seen.

@ginsterbusch @actuallyautistic looking forward to it